We Are...

We are pregnant! :) Yes we are! We are so excited! This pregnancy has been so vastly different from my other ones! I have only puked a hand ful of times! yahoo! I am nauseus a lot, but I can deal with that! Okay for now I must go!
jenn

A Long time

Why does healing have to take such a long time? One week I am doing great. The next I am doing horribly. Needless to say, this week is a beginning of an emotional week for me. I should still be pregnant right now. I should be able to feel the kicking of little feet, the sound of a little heartbeat on the ultrasounds, but I don't. I long for another child. A sibling for Camille. Someone to play with. She loves babies so much. I want to hear loud laughter of many voices going through the house. But I am not pregnant, and there is no baby.



Well, not an uplifting post, but how about I leave everyone with a picture of my beautiful girl?



Loves

jenn

My Answer...

My blankie! Don't leave home without it!

Betch'a you can't catch me! I'm to fast for you!

Oh dad! Come on! Just one big leap into this gigantic pool!

No, I don't like family pictures! My mommy makes me do it!

This is what I think about these family outings!

So....YES! I enjoyed the beach!

The ride there was a little adventuresome. It took us twelve hours to get there. Why, you may ask? Well its because the rain was coming down and flooded a part of the Memphis freeway. So, one at a time cars are passing through this one spot. Its o ur turn, and I prayed and prayed and prayed that our car would not flood. And it was so awesome, God literally gave us a "wave" and cleared the way while I drove through this thing. No flooding of the car, although the water came all the way up to the door and even got i nto the car! I know, God is good!

So anywho, we get there and the weather was not pretty for us on Sunday and Monday. So, what do you do on an overcast Sunday with Red Flags? Go boogie boarding of course! LOL The waves were awesome for it! I was loving it! Daniel was freaking out! Camille, I'm sure, was looking at mommy in the waves, thinking, "I wish I was there with her!" Don't worry...our Braveheart was up in the middle of all of it by the end of the week when the weather and water turned calmer and sunnier!

On Monday we went and visited the USS Alabama. It was such a cool experience! The rest of the week was spent on the beach, eating, and I took Camille to a Zoo. Oh that experience is hilarious! Got to share that! So the guys (we went with another family) decided that they would go to the Naval Museum, so us girls went to the zoo. We get there, pay and go inside, and I was laughing on the inside. It was more like a petting farm. They had guinea pigs and baby rabbits. It was hilarious! Even chickens, hens, and roosters running around. Lambs wondering aimlessly down the walking path. Yeah, it was like they took Arkansas and plopped it in the middle of Florida. No problems, though. The girls loved it and loved feeding the animals. Camille kept bossing the animals around, which was funny. Anyways, I will leave you with pictures, which is what you wanted to see in the first place!

LOVES!

JENN

I don't know...

My daughter, when she is very upset, will say... I don't know! I will ask her, "Camille, where is your smile?" She will say, "I don't know!" I will then say, "Do you want to find it?" Her response? "I don't know!"
I think that is what has been running through my mind these past couple of days. Mothers's Day is such a special day, and it was, truly it was. It was hard, though, knowing that amonth ago I miscarried. Knowing that I will probably be the only one to ever remember that day. Do I really want to remember that important, significant day? Its a yes/no type of answer.
I struggle with the emotions that go with all of this. Grief is so strange. Most days I feel wonderful. Happy and peaceful, even. Then there are those other days. The not so happy days. I have to constantly remind myself that God is in control of everything and that His timing is perfect. I remember the vison that He gave me of our beautiful son who is now in heaven with Him. The little face that looked so much like my husband. Yes, God gave me that vision, that dream, and I hold onto it. When I start to get down, I remember it and I am uplifted again. I know that all of this will pass. That the jumble of emotions will get itself worked out. Patience has never been my virtue! LOL
I must apologize for the bummed out post. I know, you were looking forward to beach pictures and a beach post. I will post that soon. I promise! The pics are saved on my computer at home! So the question is? Did I enjoy the beach...OR NOT??? That will be in the next post. :)

Loves!
jenn

Beach fun!

We are headed to the beach! I am really excited! In the past I have been so against going to the beach. Now, I am completely open to trying it again! I know, everyone is supposed to love the beach, but not me! Its like a gigantic toilet bowl. I will let you know when I get back if my opinion has been altered. We are going with some fun, great friends of ours, so that will make it enjoyable either way! :)
I will post many pics when I return! I will also let you know what color of red I turned while laying out on the beach. Me and my white, pasty skin! LOL

Loves!
jenn

Bring on the rain

It has been a month and a half since I last posted. Where to begin? So much has happened! I have gotten on here many of times to post, and just when I start to, I can't bring myself to write or finish a post. Now I am ready...I think! LOL
It has been a sad, difficult journey these past few weeks. As many of you know from my last few blogs, we were pregnant. Then, a couple of weeks ago, April 8 to be exact, I started bleeding, and I knew I was miscarrying. Denial is an interesting thing. Even though I knew, I was still denying it. I even went to work the following morning. Why? Maybe because it was the "normal" thing to do. Maybe because I wanted everything to be normal around me so that it would make what was going on go away. I know...weird! So on April 9 there I was at work, loosing my baby. I called the doctors office when they opened and they got me in. And they confirmed what I already knew...there was no baby heartbeat. A sad and frustrating thing to here. Just that Tuesday We saw the heartbeat and a couple of days later...nothing. I had a D&C that afternoon.
I went home and one of my dear friends came over and just let me cry. I think that is all that I needed was to just cry and be angry...
I cried out to God. I asked Him why? I asked Him to take away the hurt. And I wanted to hold on and not let go... I wanted to be a mother again. A couple of days later, I bought an amazing book called "I Will Carry You" by Angie Smith. I read it in the waiting room during my post op visit. Ok, I could have cried the whole time! Anyways, reading it started to heal me, reading these words that seemed to jump from the page right into my heart. And I knew...God was healing me, and He has so many good things in store for my family and I. Wow!
As I went through prayer the following day, God started to heal the wounds, not just from the miscarriage, but from years of things that I could not let go of. I let go, and let God take control.

So, bring on the rain! Let it rain around me and I will dance in it! I have always liked the rain, not the smell of it, but the rain pouring down from the heavens. And I want to dance in it again. Stand in amazement like I did as a kid and wonder how God could do such an amazing thing...you know, let it rain! Rain, it seems to wash so many things away. The pollen(praise God!) the dirt off of the leaves...it nurtures the plants, the trees, fills the lakes, rivers and creeks with water for the animals...bring on the rain in my life, and on the other side, bring on the sun!

Loves!
jenn

Tired

I am tired all of the time! I can't complain, though! This is what we wanted. I can't wait to go to our first appointment!
It is amazing that Camille's second birthday is coming up! Wow where does all of the time go to? I will get some more pictures posted as soon as I can remember! That has been my problem lately. Remembering things! LOL
I hope all is well in the blogging world!
jenn